Thursday, November 20, 2008

Yesterday's Doctors Appointment

I finally got to the doctor to try and get my depression/anxiety under control. I hoped that things would resolve themselves when I returned from New Orleans since the trip would be over, the election would be over, the economy would have stabilized, and my spike in work load would be completed. But things haven't gotten much better and I'm sick of living with a knot in my stomach and feeling like I want to just curl up in a ball and die.

All in all, I have a great life and by most accounts, mine included, I should be a pretty happy fellow. And that's the problem of living with depression and anxiety. You have those feelings even though you shouldn't.

Sometimes I don't want to write on the blog anymore. Then I get a second wind and crank out a post. I read about folks on my blog roll losing loved ones, both human and pet, and I can't find the energy to write a comforting comment. I'm in a sucky place and I hope they can forgive my lacking show of support.

Most of my issues are understandable. I am just drained by my living situation. I'm like the energy bank but there are only withdrawals. I don't have anything to fill me up so it is a slow downward slide. Even when I do escape to fill myself back up, I spend most of the time not feeling well because it's the only time my body can shut down for a while.

Not having a partner or love interest to boost my spirits is something that would help although I'm in no position to seriously entertain such a relationship. I need a cheerleader in my life. My bff does an excellent job of this, but she's 3000 miles away. Even though we talk more than once a day and it seems like she lives just down the street, it just isn't the same.

It was my hope that the doctor would wave a magic wand and make it all better. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case. He decided that it was better to up my dosage of Paxil every two weeks until the feelings get under control or that we max out on the med and then we could look at something else.

I hate taking pills. I suppose that if the alternative is to continue feeling as I do, a couple pills a day is a small concession.

8 comments:

Pua; Bakin' and Tendin' Bar said...

Be good to you. I wish you peace and the solace of good friends to see you through difficult times.

romach said...

Sending you many Hairy hugs buddy! I had my medication upped last week also. I didn't want to, but I too didn't want to be consumed by my depression. I had my last session with my therapist today who I have been seeing for 10 weeks now. I feel much better than I did when I first seen her. My mobility and the limitations it brings and the pain I am in from my degenerative bone condition, is what gets me down the most. Whether reasons can be identified or not that add to depression, it is still very hard to get a grip on things. I admire you a great deal buddy. You and what you write on your blog have inspired me more than you know. I look forward to reading your blog everyday as I find you extremely intelligent and interesting as well as darn sexy ;-) Your the kind of friend I would like living right next door to me. I know its hard sometimes but remember there will always be someone to talk too :-) I hope you have a great day buddy :-)

bigislandjeepguy said...

i know this probably sounds trite (or maybe not...i hope), but i know you are are really into your orchids, so maybe taking more time to be around them or out in the yard digging in the dirt would help at least ease some of the stress. i know that works wonders for me. there is this commercial here that talks about "it's good for you, it's good for the ʻĀina"(land) and i think it totally applies to the restorative aspects of gardening (even tho it is a commercial for something else!).

sending much aloha to you, my friend.

Y | O | Y said...

pua--thanks for the kind thoughts

mark--I appreciate your sentiments...I know that you are having rough times too. Dealing with health issues must be so frustrating.

chuck--I have been doting on the orchids. Many are sending up shoots but since it has gotten cold here the furnace has kicked on and dried the whole house out. I rigged up the cool mist humidifier to help but the Miltonia is sick! I'm also starting to drink Gatorade thinking that perhaps part of my issue is that I'm dehydrated, too.

Anonymous said...

Sending warm thoughts and big hugs your way! I've been bothered by depression and anxiety most of my adult life--it runs in my family--but meds finally did the trick a decade ago. Here's hoping YOU find the right one/dose...
--Alex

Doralong said...

Being a primary caregiver is an exhausting proposition my friend. The fact that you were willing to take this on yourself shows a great strength of character, as it is in no way an easy job. Every day you have to watch the one you love most slip a bit further from you- that would bloody well depress anyone!

Give yourself a break, and realize there's no shame in seeking treatment and trying options, this one doesn't work there are indeed others. Keep trying until you get it right, for her sake and yours, no matter what she's still your mother and would never want you to be sad.

And keep making yourself blog, for my own selfish reasons my day wouldn't be quite right if you didn't.

the cajun said...

Man, you are speaking what I am feeling as well.
No cheerleaders, no one to confide in who would not be judgmental, and no light at the end of the tunnel.
You might want to ask for a different script. Paxil eventually stopped doing the trick. There are other options. Generic Zoloft has worked for me lately.
When the blue meanies attack, just know that there are folks out here who care and have been where you are and send you blessings and prayers.

Lacey said...

Maybe it's time to let her go to a different kind of care. Might be best for both of you. It won't do her any good if you end up down and out.