Thursday, December 25, 2008

Christmas Holiday Cards 2008

Each year I enclose a letter with my holiday cards that gives a month-by-month blow of my year. Full of nonsense, double entendre, fact, fiction, exaggerations, and dirty talk. Now, 11 years after I wrote the first recap, everyone writes that they look forward to getting my letters!

Last year, I decided that since my holiday card list has minimal overlap with my blogger life, it might be fun to post it here. Those who follow this blog closely will notice that I plagiarized heavily from myself to save a lot of effort. Enjoy:

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

On reflection, it's clear I get around. It was 2008!

January — Visited friends in Florida. My senses of sight and good taste were assaulted by a bar patron wearing fluorescent orange crocs! WTF? He got a camera flash in the face when a friend of ours unsurreptitiously took a photo for proof of the abominations.

February — On a 10˚F day, the furnace belched a final cloud of toxic smoke — and I don’t mean patchouli. The repairman “red tagged” it, saying it was putting out dangerous levels of Carbon Monoxide. A new heater couldn’t be installed until the next day, so I put extra blankets over Mom to keep her warm. She woke up yelling, “There’s a bear on top of me!” All that CO also explained why I was on my back in bed for 16 hours a day — and not in a good way.

March — Ordered a “grab bag” of 12 orchids for $100! Sadly, I wasn’t grabbed at all...in the bag or elsewhere. False advertising! I was very happy with the variety, quality, and maturity of the plants I received and ordered a dozen more. Half are still around so I’m 50/50 at keeping things alive. Did I mention we have 2 cats?

April — Passing kidney stones is a yearly occurrence, like poison ivy rashes as a kid. This year brought barfing from abdominal spasms and intense pain requiring a trip to the ER. I passed two stones and the side effects of the Percocet made me so itchy that the poison ivy would have been better and I felt so cold that my teeth were clacking like one of those wind-up chattering toys.

May — Visited friends in NYC for a gay blogger weekend. Hotels were over $400/night so I settled on the YMCA — a notch above a hostel — for $100/night. Sing it with me, “It’s fun to stay at the Y-M-C-A.” Umm, not so much. Got my Broadway fix with Gypsy and August: Osage County. Saw a man at a street fair walking around with a live kitty perched on top of his head. Think water jug on an African woman — except with a tuxedo cat on a homeless dude.

June — Visited the center for obesity...Old Country Buffet.

July — Visited friends in Utah. I was totally high the entire time...elevation 7,000 ft.; 8,000 ft. on the hike we took.

August — It was all about Beijing. Michael Phelps, with 8 gold medals and 7 world records, proved alternately handsome and geeky. Hey, it works for me. I’m partial to endearing men with jug ears and lantern jaws. Really. That’s not a joke.

September — Tina Fey was great as Anastasia Beaverhausen Sarah Palin. When Katie Couric asked Palin what she read for info, she said, “Um, all of them, any of them that have been in front of me over all these years.” Yeah, whatever was in the rack in the waiting area of the Wasilla Beauty Emporium for beehives.

October — Visited New Orleans. No sign of Katrina in the French 25¢. No crowds and hotels were cheap. FYI, a “Po’Boy” isn’t a derelict and “Muffuletta” isn’t a nickname for an underage girl.

November — If nothing else comes of the election, at least we won’t hear Bush or Palin say “nucular,” or McCain say “Warshington” — talk about taking a cheese grater to my nerves.

December — I’ve been afflicted with ringing in the ears, and I don’t mean the Salvation Army. It could be a medication side-effect.
As I read this again before posting, I realized this year's was rather tame as well. But you get the picture.

And how was your year?

8 comments:

evilganome said...

Merry Christmas, Gavin! My very best wishes for the new year. (and I hope the rash goes away soon)

michael sean morris said...

My year is all up on my blog - nearly 200,000 words just in 2008. I dare anyone to write that much and have a life. I know I didn't!

I only had one kidney stone this year, changed companies twice but finally landed in a halfways decent job, and battled an alternating bad knee - left in February, right in August, left again in October.

Oh, and I saw on TV where the average person has 6-22 pounds of rotting fecal matter gumming up their colon, so I guess that gives me some extra-blog activity for 2009!

Anyway, keep up the good work; I look forward to the next four years - and not just in your blog, either...

Y | O | Y said...

Well, MSM, based on your comment I now know where I've gained all that weight. Yes, sigh, the 15 pounds that took me 3 months to lose took me all of 3 weeks to gain back. It must be in my colon!

Anonymous said...

Happy Holidays! And may we all rejoice and giggle with glee for the next four years.

Mary and Oscar

Jodi said...

Merry Christmas to you!! I loved your letter!! You are hysterical!!

BTW, Did you have a muffeletta when you were in New Orleans? I always wanted to try one of those. That damn Food Network! LOL!

Y | O | Y said...

Jodi, I did have a muffaletta. It's like a mixed cold cut sandwich on dense muffaletta bread that reminded me of focaccia. That's different from the Po'Boy which is on a lighter roll like French bread.

Jodi said...

They sound so good. I saw a special on the Food Network that featured muffalettas, po'boys, pralines, and hurricanes. The muffaletta looked very interesting to me. Although I would have to get used to the olive spread they put on because it is made with green olives (I like black olives). I think I would probably like it though.

Y | O | Y said...

Jodi...no worries since I don't like olives -- green or black -- and you can just ask them to make it without. I suppose that isn't really a muffaletta since the spread is a key ingredient, but I enjoyed it. Kinda like when I make a BLT without the bacon.