Saturday, December 27, 2008

Saturday Sh!ts & Giggles: Corny Jokes

Stolen from Irish Fusilier:

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything."
Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
A dyslexic man walked into a bra.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says, "Does this taste funny to you?"
"Doc, I can’t stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.’"

"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."

"Is it common?"

"Well, It’s Not Unusual."
Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.

Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."

"I don’t believe you," says Dolly.

"It’s true; no bull," exclaims Daisy.
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any.
A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.

He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!"

The doctor replied, "I know, I amputated your arms!"
I went to a seafood disco last week…and pulled a mussel.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.

"But why," they asked, as they moved off.

"Because," he replied, "I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named ‘Ahmal.’ The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him ‘Juan.’ Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.

Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.

Her husband responds, "They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal."
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it’s good)…a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.
And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
Yep, there were some oldies in there, but they were goodies.


Breenlantern said...

two guys walk into a bar, which is pretty funny because you'd figure, after the first guy walked into it, the second guy would have seen it.

ba dump dump chhhhhhh

Thank you folks. I'm here all week. Twice on Thursdays.

evilganome said...

Those were just dreadful! I mean that in a good way.

Jodi said...

Those are all so cute! Juan/Ahmal..LOL! Tom Jones one - Love it!

Anonymous said...

Oy. I need a good dose of this now and then...thanks!
--Alex (eyes still rolling)

michael sean morris said...

What's brown and sticky?
A stick.

What do you call a black man who can fly a plane?
A pilot, you racist.

How many second-wave feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
That's not funny.

Knock knock knock knock knock knock...
Who's there?
Philip Glass.

Thank you! Try the veal!

Y | O | Y said...

Ha Ha! Talk about great minds thinking alike, now that I have my first iPod I've been snooping around on iTunes. I was actually sampling Philip Glass this afternoon and wondering if I should buy the music or the movie. I think he was the pre-cursor to trance music!

Marc said...

Sometimes the really stupid jokes are the best. They certainly made me giggle :-) All the best for the New Year buddy :-)

Big Daddy said...

Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon?

Supposedly the food is great, but no atmosphere.

Happy New Years!