Wish I'd Said That: Is My Husband Gay?

As I cruise the Internet, I always come upon reader comments that I wish I'd made myself. Here's a reply to the "Is My Husband GAY?" article over on parody site Christwire. The bogus article, picked up by The Huffington Post, uses funny stereotypes in an attempt to help women determine if their husband is gay.

Here are 10 more ways you can definitely know if your husband is gay:

1. A male hooker reveals to the press that he has been having sex for the past three years with your husband, the vehemently anti-gay pastor of a 12,000 member “church” in Colorado Springs and president of the National Association of evangelicals.

2. Your husband, a Republican senator from Idaho who has actively opposed gay rights and voted for every piece of legislation to limit them, has been arrested by undercover cops in an airport men’s room after being caught groping into the toilet stall next to his.

3. Your husband, who has made a career out of marginalizing gay people and fighting against equal protection for them, got caught after hiring a gay prostitute from Rentboy.com to give him daily nude massages on a tour of Europe.

4. After losing his Republican bid for the California senate race that he just spent $6 million on, your husband tells the press he is “bi-sexual” and now donates more than half of the total funds the Log Cabin Republicans raise each year.

5. Your outspokenly anti-gay husband, who also happens to be a former Republican member of the Washington state legislature and now is the mayor of Spokane, is caught in an internet sting making explicit sexual advances to an 18-year-old man. He has also been accused by two other men of having had sex with them while they were underage and in the boy scouts. All this happens after your husband just vetoed domestic partnership benefits for city employees.

6. Your state assemblyman husband, who supported Proposition 8 and has worked to pass other legislation against gay people, is arrested for drunk driving at 2 a.m. after spending the evening in a gay bar in Sacramento. He has another man in his car when he’s pulled over.

7. Your husband, the chairman of the Republican Party of Wisconsin, is prosecuted for having sex with an underage boy.

8. Your husband, a Washington State lawmaker, resigns after it is revealed that he has been paying men to have sex with him.

9. Your husband, [an aide to — editor's note] the chairman of the Orange County, California GOP, is arrested after having sex with a 14-year-old boy he met on the internet.

10. You walk in on your husband–the outspokenly anti-gay Attorney General of Alabama, who has worked to get legislation enacted to criminalize gay sex in that state–having sex with the Homecoming King of Troy University.

Bonus highly suspicious behaviors that probably mean your husband is gay:

1. He starts a quasi religious political organization called “Focus on the Family” and uses it as a platform to spread misconceptions about gay people.

2. He has any involvement whatsoever in any anti-gay or ex-gay group.

3. He uses the word “faggot.”

Basically, ladies, it’s like this: if your husband is a Republican Evangelical politician or minister, there’s about a 70 percent chance he secretly admires Judy Garland, Cher, Madonna, or Lady Gaga, depending on his age. He is in the closet, girls. However, once he is outed, don’t expect him to get a rousing welcome in the Castro, Provincetown, Chelsea, West Hollywood, or Key West. We don’t want his sorry, flabby ass, bad dye job comb-over, and hypocrisy.

Signed,

America’s Homosexuals