Daidle deedle daidle
Daidle daidle deedle daidle dum
[I don't get too personal here on the blog but today is a bit different. After my trip to NYC, an out-of-the-blue voice message from my ex, and an appointment I had today, I'm in an odd head space. So I decided to throw a party. A pity party and y'all are invited. Care to come along? Bring your violin!]
So here goes.
Sometimes I wish I were straight. Yep, I said it even though I don't really mean it. I just think life would be a whole lot easier.
I'd get more dates, that's for sure. Shit, I'd settle for any dates. Or any attention.
Honestly, based on feedback, if I were straight I'd have dates out the wazoo. It was always that way at work, requiring me to come out over and over to dissuade the fair maidens. I worked on a large campus with hundreds of employees and I knew most of them because of my job function, position, and length of tenure. Those I didn't interact with personally, I'd run across in the cafeteria. If I'm anyone's type, apparently it is a straight woman's type.
I had the reputation as a bit of a sexual scoundrel, sleeping my way through the company with notches in my bedpost as the only memories of the ladies I had conquered. Funny thing. Not only am I not a straight slut, I'm not a gay one either.
Today I had an appointment with a gal that I'd met with two weeks ago. She told me that all the women in the office had asked if I was single after I left. She had a good laugh when she told me this — I had a good laugh on the outside, but felt frustration and sadness on the inside.
But the gay guys? You'd think I was a steaming pile of horse shit. I get exactly zero attention in a bar and even less online. You start to question everything. It gets in your head and the "self-doubt committee" starts working overtime. What is wrong? Too old? Too fat? Too nice? Too gray?
I was telling this story to these guys when we were at the Eagle a couple of weeks ago. Bless their hearts, they rescued my ego from the mud with some encouraging words.
If I could only get beyond the whole vagina thing, I'd be set.
Oy.
Yes, I know I have a great life. I just needed to get that off my chest. I feel better now.
Thanks for listening.
*
Thursday, May 29, 2008
If I Were A Straight Man
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10 comments:
Gee.. I guess me telling you how wonderful you are would be counterproductive at this juncture??
You are not alone!
My Merchant Marine was here last night. He is twenty-eight and gorgeous with a great personality, and he said the same thing.
He had been in P-Town over Memorial Day weekend and said whenever he was hanging out alone no one would dare approach him.
He told me, "I used to be so outgoing -- but I had so much anxiety all weekend."
Gay culture is so hook-up oriented (way more than even straight youth culture), and gay guys are all insecure about being rejected out of hand, so they don't approach anyone, and when you approach them it's like a competition for who's gonna reject who first.
It breeds universal insecurity and mutual defensiveness.
(Sorry: I forgot my violin -- that was my dismembered baby's head theremin.)
this is a great post!!
I do have a question... Do you have any clue which weekend the Albany Pride starts?
I was under the assumption that it was next weekend... but now I heard it's this weekend?
Any clues?
It is Sunday 6/8. Go here for more info: http://www.cdglcc.org/Pride_Festival.htm
I want to chuck it all, and become a woman. A very slutty, straight woman who takes tons of dick. THAT's what I want!
Oh G! I have always been uncomfortable in gay company for the very reasons you write about.... I chalked it up to my having no hair, out of shape, homely, whatever...but DID use my jokable personality to get me through lots of those times. I feel strong empathy for YOUR feelings.
I'm sure a little of it is inside you to work out, but you have also taken on the caretaker mantle which allows you little time for "you" alone.
IF WE were out there, we'd be dragging you along to dinner, a movie, anywhere we could make you laugh. YOU were one of the nicest people we met in NYC, bar none.
I'd glad you vented...........do it some more! You're entitled. Hope all's well at home.
I also meant to say.......... all of your self doubting questions are wrong. Not too old, not to nice, not to gray (hell, I'm bald)...You're a fabulous man. Handsome is only one of those qualities.Seriously.
Story of my life... Judging by the guys I talk to, it's the story of their lives also. And some of these guys are totally jumpable.
Not that I'm recommending it, but being on Facebook has been a real boost for my ego. It turns out, I would be a total sex symbol in Belgium.
Late to the party as usual because I've been a bit of a funk myself but...Gavin, Gavin, Gavin. You are friendly, hot and humpable, seriously! If I were single...I'd be looking for excuses to fly to Albany hoping to get another glance at that nice ring you showed me at the Eagle ; )
Try to look at the up side. If you were straight...you'd have hang out in public bathrooms or a booth in a DBS to get laid, like all the other married, straight men and legislators.
Cheer up handsome, and know you can always call if you need a self-esteem boost.
>>>Gavin<<<
This is an interesting post and a lot of people have already made some good comments. (Personally, I like the way CB thinks best. ;-) Anyway, yes, gay men are probably more insecure than mainstream society because we are rejected by mainstream society for who we are. But also, perhaps you give off a different energy when you're in the company of straight women. You have nothing to lose, so you're probably comfortable, confident and the best parts of your personality come through. When we're in a room full of gay men looking for a date it's hard to feel totally at ease. It's just like the old cliche--which I have found to be true--it's only when you stop looking that you find a boyfriend.
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