Christmas Holiday Cards 2007

Eric over at Secrets of the Red Seven posted when he finished up his Christmas card mailing. The post generated some discussion about the newsletters that many folks include with their cards. I commented that rather than beat 'em, the trick was to join 'em.

I decided to do one of my own. Each year I give a month-by-month blow of my year. Full of nonsense, double entendre, fact, fiction, exaggerations, dirty talk. The first entry of the first letter was about my trip to see the proctologist, Dr. Jelly Finger, for my hemorrhoids and that I decided to date him after a thorough office exam. It was all fiction, but that set the tone, and I later confessed to a friend that I had made the whole thing up. Her disappointment that I didn't have hemorrhoids and date my proctologist somehow spoiled it for her. I have also discovered that many of the parents keep my cards from their children. I really do sensor what I write knowing that it could fall into the hands of inquiring little minds. Perhaps, not being a parent myself, my standards of decency are skewed.

Now, 10 years after I wrote the first recap, everyone writes that they can't wait to get my letters! I got some complaints two years ago that I wasn't being dirty enough and I'd lost my touch!

I feel kinda trapped now...that I have to do it rather than want to do it. Anyone who knows me well knows that I don't do things when I'm told. In fact, I'm likely to do just the opposite. (Long story short: controlling father.) I had a very clever boss years ago that told me, after I was re-orged to another group, that the secret to managing me was to plant the seed and let me think the idea was mine. Then stand back because I'll work like a dog and do a great job. I found it to be a pretty cool observation and I complimented him on his managerial skills. How often do managers offer you insight to yourself that helps you complete the puzzle on what makes you tick?

Eric asked to see the newsletter. I decided that since my Christmas card list has minimal overlap with my blogger life, it might be fun to post it here. Since I pulled some of the year's events from here, those who follow this blog closely will spot the fact vs fiction. Enjoy:

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. It was 2007!

January — I took on the neo-con douche bag columnist in the local paper. I had two Letters to the Editor published that called him out on his idiocy. One was published in a Sunday edition and the other on Christmas Day. What followed, how shall I say, was a gross personal attack. He devoted an entire column to lecture me. I say “me” because he mentioned my name, oh, a dozen times! I was delighted that I had not just struck a nerve but apparently hit it dead-on with a sledgehammer.

February — A nasty beaver was spotted in NYC. Britney revealed it was hiding under her mini-skirt.

March — Speaking of NYC, I was supposed to meet up with friends F and J from Orange County to see Company on Broadway. We had a late snowstorm that dumped 18” on the exact day I was supposed to go and Amtrak stopped service. We couldn’t even keep company, let alone see Company, with each other.

April — Went to see comedian Lisa Lampanelli. You may know her from the Comedy Central celebrity roasts. What a loud, repulsive, foul-mouthed, obnoxious, equal-opportunity bigot. I loved her!

May — Ding, ding, ding. In this corner, we have Ms. Rosie O’Donnell representing Islezbofascism. And in this corner, Mrs. Elisabeth Hasselbeck, representing all that is good and light because, well, she’s a blonde Republican who finished fourth on Survivor. After a brutal, blood-pressure raising, split-screen on-air, bare-knuckle brawl, both returned to their corners and proved once again that Americans still hate each other.

June — I finally made it into New York City for the Pride celebration and met up with a bunch of NY bloggers. Indulged my inner theater queen and saw The Drowsy Chaperone (very good) and Fantasia in The Color Purple (she was fantastic).

July — Did y’all get my birth announcement? Yep, I had twins! Two 6 mm kidney stones born three days apart. The size of a Rice Krispie and just as jagged. And some folks cry when they pass a grain of sand. Amateurs!

August — How is it that an old, shrivelled, twin of the Crypt Keeper (Senator Larry “I’m not gay, I just have sex with men” Craig) can get more action than me just by tapping his foot in an airport bathroom? Apparently I’m going about things the wrong way. I’m going to buy myself a wedding ring and a new pair of wing tips to see if that improves my prospects.

September — I’m still here with Mom and she continues to decline. When the phone rings, she hands me whatever is closest to her so I can answer it — say the TV remote control or a can of ginger ale.

October — I bought a litter picking contraption and started collecting the trash along the route by the lake where I walk for exercise. The neighbors call me Trashy The Trash Can Man. Litterbugs are not observant Mormons. How do I know? The litter is all the same...beer bottles, cola cans, styrofoam coffee cups, and cigarette packs and butts.

November — I spent an entire weekend on my back in a Boston hotel, legs in the air, moaning like a cheap tramp. Severe back spasms from the previous week’s yard work ruined my vacation.

December — On a serious note, I decided to send stuff to our troops in Iraq for the holidays. I got hooked up through a fellow blogger and sent $150 worth of treats to be used for Christmas stocking filler. Hershey’s kisses, candy, magazines, batteries, razors, and warm wishes from the folks back home should brighten their day.

And how was your year?

As I read this again before posting, I realized this year's was rather tame as well. But you get the picture.

Now go have yourself a merry little Christmas. You've got two days left!
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