The "Mirdle": My Prayers Have Been Answered

Mike over at Mennonno Sapiens wrote a post describing the powers of visualization and how it helped manifest a lawn chair for him. There's a naked pick of Mr. Mike in the post, too, so it's worth a hop on over just to visualize that.

But enough about his nakedness; this is about me.

Y'all know I had my severe lower back spasms after holding a gas-powered leaf blower for far too long. I don't waste hours a day in a gym lifting plates of steel work out so those muscles are weak.

My brother offered his truss back brace to me when I had to go out and shovel snow a couple of weeks ago.

I figured I'd give it a try — that sucker was tight! It laced up like a corset. If only it had been made of black leather. And that's when I saw the light. I need an effing man girdle mirdle (hey, if Mangina can coin a phrase like 'Nilla, so can I!). It would be like the manzier on Seinfeld, only lower. So I thought about it and thought about it. Then Mike wrote his post, and I started visualizing it and visualizing it.

Now I'm here to tell you that my prayers have been answered!

From the December 28, 2007 Wall Street Journal:

For decades, Wacoal Holdings, one of Japan's largest makers of women's underwear, has been selling girdles for women that promise to tuck in flabby tummies. Now, the company is starting to promote an unconventional companion product: a girdle for men.

Earlier this year, Wacoal launched a men's girdle that touts its stomach-flattening ability. In January, it expects to start selling a version that goes a step further. The stretchy underwear, called the "ex walker," is made of specially woven nylon and polyurethane that the company says is designed to actually tone the thighs and hips, not just hold them in shape temporarily.

— snip —

"This is not a girdle, but exercise wear," stresses Wacoal spokesman Tadashi Nishitani.

Put whatever marketing spin you want on it Nishitani-san. I just want to know, "What took you so long?"

I'll look stunningly slim and won't have to make any more excuses why I don't go to the gym or spend endless hours doing crunches. Finally, I can be out of shape and gay. I won't have to live in constant fear that my gay membership card could be revoked at the snap of some drama queen's finger looking for a bitch fight!

To preserve the flattering daytime effect, I'll just have to get undressed in the dark to fool any of the thousands of tricks my new-found tightness is sure to attract.

I'll take a dozen, please!
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