Douche Bags Of The Week: United Airlines Pilots

Is this why the ORD to ALB leg of my trip to Utah was canceled at the last minute, causing me a 5 hour delay? Or why an entire plane full of people was kept waiting for the flight from ORD to SLC because the crew was late?

United Airlines asked a federal judge to stop four pilots and their union from abusing sick time and refusing to fly extra hours, saying illegal job actions have caused hundreds of cancellations.

The injunction request accuses the Air Line Pilots Association of encouraging a sick-out, which is not allowed under the Railway Labor Act, the labor law governing airlines. It also said pilots were refusing to pick up extra flying.

United said the first officers on its 737s and A320s called in sick the most and that it canceled 329 flights between 7/19 and 7/27, costing it about $8M in lost revenue and $3.9M in operating profit.

United pilots have been pressing to reopen their contract, which is not scheduled to be negotiable until the end of next year. Pilots took pay cuts when United reorganized under bankruptcy protection and have been hoping to win back some of what they lost.

Like other airlines, United is shrinking its fleet, and it has said it will furlough 950 pilots.

This comes on the heels of a United pilot being harassed by union members before boarding a flight. The altercation was so nasty that the pilot was too upset to fly and the flight was canceled. Great public relations, you assholes. If I were union member, I'd be irate that these jokers give all unions a bad name.

Your company is losing money hand over fist in an industry that is losing billions of dollars a quarter. And you people want to open up negotiations early to get more money? Are you fucking stupid? I'm not sure I want to fly on a plane with a cockpit full of dumbasses.

• You people wonder why no one cares if the airlines go under?

• You people wonder why unions are hated?

• You people wonder why customers have no brand loyalty?

• You people wonder why we don't care anymore if you lose your jobs?

• You people ever watch the news?

• You people learn any lessons from what happened to Detroit?

• You people wonder why this country of entitlement is circling the drain?

It's because assholes like you don't give a shit about your customers, that's why. You should be kissing the customers' asses.

Union management said United's lawsuit: "...this is not a constructive approach to labor relations." [Emphasis mine.] Labor relations? What about customer relations?

I don't give a rat's ass that I'm a United Mileage Plus member since 1984. I just booked my October trip on Delta despite having United as a price-comparable option.

Fuck me? No, fuck YOU!

The more of you that get fired, the better. Maybe when you're working the night shift at McDonald's you'll have a different attitude. Probably not, though, you're the type of people who blame everyone but yourselves.

Utah Trip: To and Fro

Well, the week was practically perfect.

I started by redeeming frequent flyer miles for the trip. United charges a standard $10 processing fee and have recently instituted an additional fee that escalates the closer you book your flight to when you will be leaving. My fee was $75. And I had to use double the miles since the "cheaper free" seats weren't available when I wanted to go. So, for those of you keeping track, it was $85 plus 50,000 miles for my free trip.

From Albany to anywhere out West on United Airlines, there's always a change of planes in Chicago's O'Hare. I like the airport but I've been stuck there on many occasions due to inclement weather. Usually when I'd come home from California for Christmas.

The early morning flight went off without a hitch.

For those of you who've never been to the United Chicago terminals, they are really impressive. Light, airy, roomy. A great design that welcomes millions of people a year.


I had time to get a bite to eat during the layover. The airlines don't serve food anymore. Not even peanuts if the flight is short. So I went to my favorite little hot dog and hamburger stand: Billy Goat Tavern and Grill. This is an airport location of the famous Chicago restaurant. You may know it best from the Saturday Night Live skit in the 70's where you ordered "Cheezborger! Cheezborger!" and were admonished with "No Pepsi - COKE!" if you chose the wrong drink.


Then it was on to Salt Lake City. I had a window seat toward the back of the plane. A rather large man sat in the middle seat and apparently was a stock trader because I was treated to multiple incoming and outgoing cell calls instructing some people located somewhere to "Sell!" He was frantically checking his pager and a number of electronic doohickies.

Then I smelled it.

Shit. I was in the back near the bathroom, and if I was going to have to smell a malfunctioning toilet the whole way, it was gonna be a long journey. But the smell came and went. Hmmm. And just when stock slob turned toward me to bark another order into his phone, I nearly fainted as the green fog hit my olfactory nerves. Great. I got fat toilet breath next to me. I just turned and looked out the window until I was able to go to sleep. Problem solved.

Until...

We're starting our descent and toilet breath's leg starts rubbing up against mine. I ever so lightly moved my leg a millimeter at a time away, but his leg followed. This encouraged him to spread his legs...I wasn't sure if giving him the opportunity to make more room to sport wood was the best idea. I did a major shift in my seat and crossed my legs away from him. I looked over and his eyes were closed. Dreaming? Perhaps. Or clever ruse.

In SLC, I had rented a medium size car from Advantage through carrentals.com. They were both unknowns to me, and the price was so cheap ($110/5 days/intermediate) I figured something was fishy. No problem, though, as I drove away in a Chevy HHR minivan (like a PT Cruiser). Only catch was that it was UT law to carry liability, and since I no longer have a car and insurance, I had to buy that at $12/day. An unexpected expense but I understand why.

On my return trip, I brought my skis with me. They've been in my friends' garage for over 10 years so it was time I took care of it. I was stressed that I was going to get hit with a large supplemental charge but I wasn't. I check them curbside and paid $2 United charge and tipped the guy $3 since he also got my boarding passes.

The flight from SLC to O'Hare was without incident and there was no one in the middle seat so I slept without molestation the entire time.

One bad thing about the United Chicago terminal is that it is huge. Concourse C is a large island with about 30 gates and it is connected to Concourse B through an underground walkway equipped with moving sidewalks. It is hard to see here...there are neon lights along the ceiling that put on a show with tinkling music.


United also flies out of Concourses E and F and my connecting flight to Albany was in Concourse F...in Terminal 2. It is a long hike. Once I got there, my flight was canceled due to lightning storms in Albany. I was booked on the next flight four hours later.

The silver lining is that I discovered there is a shuttle bus that goes between gates C9 and E2. That will definitely save me time, and a sore shoulder from lugging around my carry-on dufflebag, on future trips.

Another silver lining was that I sat on an aisle, diagonally behind a DILF. Did you ever see someone and think they have the perfect life? Early 30's, total babe, stylish, cute wife, two adorable kids. Sigh. I daydreamed the whole flight.

I was supposed to be home about 7 and I walked in the door after midnight. It was a long day!
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United 23

On Thursday, I watched a program called Grounded on 9/11 on The History Channel. The show details the FAA's response to the attacks on September 11, 2001 to order all planes out of the air.

Almost as an aside, the show's narrator mentions United 23 — a 767 headed for Los Angeles that morning. Apparently it was going to be another hijacked airliner. I did some searching on the web and the amount of info is limited and I had to do quite a bit of surfing to find much at all.

I did find a site about a book called Stand Down by Will Thomas. Here is a copy/paste from that linked site:

UNITED 23 TO LA THWARTED
United Flight 23, prevented from pushback by Norman Mineta’s emergency grounding orders. Onboard the fuel-heavy airliner three angry Arabian passengers loudly demanded that the flight proceed to Los Angeles. Kicked off the plane, the would-be hijackers vanished before police showed up.

The incident is mentioned on the site of U.S. Congressman Mark Kirk of Illinois...only it says the flight was going to depart from Newark to Los Angeles.

It is also mentioned on a site called Cooperative Research.

I can't find it now, but somewhere along the way of researching this I read that it was mentioned in the movie United 93 which I didn't see.

United.com now shows United 23 departs JFK to Los Angeles. They may have changed it but I doubt it. This is the second airport this story now involves as the point of departure.

Is this an urban legend?

Is this unsubstantiated conspiracy theory?

Why is this the first time I've heard of it?

Have any of you, my gentle readers, ever heard of this???
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