Douche Bag Of The Week: Miss Ladyfingers USA

From Queerty:

The Carrie Prejean Morality Tour just keeps getting better and better! Having played the victim card on The View and dared to call Larry King "inappropriate," she's returned to familiar territory: defending her stance on homo marriage.

"People who say I hate gays and lesbians are, in a polite way, ignorant," says a young woman who identifies Sarah Palin as her role model. "I think they don't see that just because someone doesn't agree with redefining marriage that they hate you—I've never said that I hated gays. I have friends who are gay. I have hairdressers who are gay. I live in California—that's the most liberal state there is. I am not afraid of gays. It's just a personal opinion. They have an opinion; I have my own opinion. Why is my opinion not valid?"

It is valid, Carrie. Just like your interpretation of Biblical Scripture, as told to Christianity Today: "No, I don't think there's anything wrong with getting breast implants as a Christian. I think it's a personal decision. I don't see anywhere in the Bible where it says you shouldn't get breast implants."

Well we did hear, in Proverbs 31:30, that "Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised."

It's one thing to think I don't deserve the same rights as you. It's quite another to help promote legislation by speaking out and attending crazy-ass fundraisers. What don't you get, dumbass?

Boo hoo, it's just you? The big bad liberals are attacking a conservative woman? Remember what the NRA did to Rosie O'Donnell when she went off on Tom Selleck about gun control?

[h/t to Joe.My.God. for the name in the title.]

Douche Bag Of The Week: SC Rep. Joe "You Lie" Wilson

Douche Bag Of The Week: Starface

She says she only wanted three stars, but "fell asleep," whereupon the tattoo artist went to town. Note to douchebag: Tattoos are permanent.

Douche Bag Of The Week: Rush Limbaugh

No comment necessary.

Douche Bag Of The Week: Joe The Plumber

Joe The Plumber held a book signing the other night to sell his new book. From an article on The Washington Post:

Joe the Plumber (no longer a plumber; first name actually Samuel) popped into our town yesterday evening to sell his new book and to remind people that he's still a plain and simple guy. Mission accomplished, on at least one of his missions.

About 11 people wandered into the rows of seats set up hopefully in the basement of a downtown Border's bookstore to hear Joe speak. Joe addressed them from behind a lectern and with a microphone, but that seemed unnecessarily formal.

Wurzelbacher was scheduled to speak and sign books for three hours, but the Joe Show was over in 55 minutes. Total copies of "Joe the Plumber" sold: five.

Joe, and his five admirers, are my Douche Bags of the Week.

Douche Bag Of The Week: Octopussy

A classic example of the current American thinking that we all deserve anything we want and everyone else can suffer the consequences. From Huffington Post:

There are many new tidbits being learned about octuplet mom Nadya Suleman and the fertility doctor who allegedly implanted her with six embryos.

Despite the strain of having fourteen children, Suleman spent at least part of Wednesday shopping for videogames, as seen in a photo obtained by TMZ. The site also unearthed documents showing Suleman failed to pay multiple parking tickets and had her minivan booted two years ago.

Nadya's publicist Joann Killeen believes Nadya Suleman's days in maternity wards are over. "There's nothing left in the frozen vault," Killeen says. "There's nothing left to defrost."

A church is also hitting out against Suleman, saying that, despite reports, they do not know Nadya and are not helping her find a home. The released a statement saying part:

"Nadya Suleman has recently commented she attends Calvary Chapel Golden Springs, which prompted several media follow up inquires concerning her attendance. Since our church is not membership-driven, we are unable to confirm or deny whether she actively attends this fellowship.

We can say, however, that she is not personally known to our pastors or staff. And to the best of our knowledge, Ms. Suleman's only contact with us was a minor inquiry regarding our Children's Ministry.

Ms. Suleman has also been credited with commenting that our church is in someway involved with the establishment of a foundation for donation distribution, providing her with financial assistance, and helping her locate a new residence. Our church is not involved in any of these activities."

In recent days Suleman has started a website accepting PayPal donations.

This Angelina Jolie wannabe is my current Douche Bag of the Week.

From The "I Just Don't Get It" File Combined With Douche Bag Of The Week: Octuplets Lady

What were the woman and her doctors thinking?

The woman who gave birth to octuplets this week already had six children but refused the option of reducing the number of embryos she was carrying last year, her mother said. Angela Suleman said good news for her daughter is all the babies appear healthy.

Doctors say they are not in the business of regulating family size. But they try everything to avoid higher-order pregnancies to prevent health problems for mothers and infants. National guidelines suggest that doctors limit the number of embryos implanted to avoid multiple births. Women are also counseled to not go through with attempting pregnancy if too many eggs have budded when they're taking fertility drugs.

Dr. James Grifo, professor of obstetrics and gynecology at the NYU School of Medicine, added: "I don't think it's our job to tell them how many babies they're allowed to have. I am not a policeman for reproduction in the United States. My role is to educate patients."

Your role, doctor, is to be a caretaker of the healthcare system so it can serve ALL of us, not just a few selfish and/or ignorant few. You wanna know why your health insurance premiums are so high? Look no further. While you're protecting this asshole's desire to have 14 children, I'm receiving health insurance increases that I can barely manage.

I'm glad all the babies are healthy. But what kind of a douche bag has six children and then takes fertility drugs to have more? What, she didn't think she was fertile enough?

Buh Bye, Fucking Douche Bag Of The Decade

Don't watch this if you suffer, or don't want to suffer, from high blood pressure.

Douche Bags Of The Week: Adolph Hitler Campbell's Parents

Coming on the heels of seeing The Boy In The Striped Pajamas this week, is the story of the white supremacists Campbell family.

The Campbells thought their kids were just like everyone else's.

A simple request for a name on a three year old's birthday cake has caused a controversy because of the person who he is named after. When the Campbells went to the ShopRite, the store refused to put their son's name, Adolf Hitler Campbell, on the cake. Their daughter's are named JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell and HonsLynn Hinler Jeannie Campbell, which are names also with ties to Nazi Germany.

"This is America! They violated the rights of my son! A name is a name!” said Heath Campbell. "All we want is ShopRite to apologize! Because all we were trying to get was my son's name on a cake," said Deborah Campbell.

A spokesperson for ShopRite said they stand by their original offer to bake a birthday cake for the Campbells and leave room on it for them to write in their son's name. They say they have no plans to offer the family an apology.

I love it that they cry that their son's rights were violated. Actually, no. You aren't entitled to a cake, thank you very much. You were entitled to the highest level of stupidity in naming your kid and we all have the right to shun such speech. The tragedy here is that the children had no choice...in their name or their parents. Change your name to Hitler if you think it's so great, don't saddle your kid with it.

The Campbell parents receive this week's Douche Bags Of The Week.

Douche Bag Of The Week: Joe The Plumber

This douche bag doesn't understand his 15 minutes of fame are over.

Joe Wurzelbacher lashed out at former GOP presidential nominee John McCain, the man who made Wurzelbacher famous as “Joe the Plumber.” Wurzelbacher told conservative radio host Glenn Beck that he felt “dirty” after “being on the campaign trail and seeing some of the things that take place.”

Asked why he didn’t leave McCain’s campaign if he was “appalled” by the candidate, Wurzelbacher said, “honestly, because the thought of Barack Obama as president scares me even more.”

While Wurzelbacher was critical of McCain during the interview, he had nothing but praise for his running mate, Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin. “Sarah Palin is absolutely the real deal,” he said.

Does he think Anastasia is going to ask him to be her VP running mate in 2012? Hey, it could happen.

Douche Bags Of The Week: Fvcked Up People

Just when you thought you were against "an eye for an eye":

Kelly Layne Lau presented herself as the happily married, stay-at-home mother of four kids in a suburban neighborhood in Tracy. But she and her husband hid a dark secret — they kept a teenage boy in their garage, locked at times and neglected to the point of emaciation.

On Monday, the boy made a dramatic escape, scaling an 8-foot wall from the backyard and running into a fitness center. There, wearing only men's boxer shorts, covered in soot and with a padlock and 3-foot chain still clamped on his ankle, he begged workers to hide him.

On Tuesday, Lau, 30, and her husband, Michael Luther Schumacher, 34, were booked at San Joaquin County Jail on suspicion of conspiracy, kidnapping, torture, false imprisonment and child abuse. There was no legal relationship between the married couple and the boy, who ran away last year from a foster home in Sacramento.

The couple have four children who have been put in the custody of social services. Neighbors said that they used to see the 17-year-old doing chores outside, and that although tall, the skinny boy looked much younger than his age.

On her MySpace page, Lau said her four children were ages 1 to 9. She described herself as a stay-at-home mother, a Daisy Girl Scouts leader and die-hard Oakland Raiders fan who is "happily married to a man who I love to death." Schumacher, she wrote, "is my best friend and a wonderful father to our four kids and I wouldn't trade him for anything in this world."

Sometimes I wonder why the world is so evil.

Douche Bags Of The Week: AIG CXOs

My bff and I have had lunch overlooking the Pacific Ocean at the St. Regis many a time. It's beautiful. It's elegant. It ain't cheap.

Days after it got a federal bailout, AIG (American International Group Inc.) spent $440,000 on a posh California retreat for its executives, complete with spa treatments, banquets and golf outings, according to lawmakers investigating the company's meltdown.

AIG sent its executives to the coastal St. Regis resort south of Los Angeles even as the company tapped into an $85 billion loan from the government it needed to stave off bankruptcy. The resort tab included $23,380 worth of spa treatments for AIG employees, according to invoices the resort turned over to the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee.

The retreat didn't include anyone from the financial products division that nearly drove AIG under, but lawmakers still were enraged over thousands of dollars spent on outing for executives of AIG's main U.S. life insurance subsidiary.

—SNIP—

"Those executives should be fired," Democratic presidential candidate Sen. Barack Obama said at a debate with Sen. John McCain on Tuesday, referring to the retreat participants. Obama also said AIG should give the Treasury $440,000 to cover the costs of the retreat.

But Eric Dinallo, superintendent of the New York State Insurance Department, said he could see the value of such a retreat under the circumstances.

"Having been at large global companies and knowing what condition AIG was in ... the absolute worst thing that could have happened" would have been for employees and underwriters in its life insurance subsidiary to flee the company.

Ummmm, almost any alternative would have been cheaper than the St. Regis. I used to travel a lot for work, and we were in a competitive industry, so we doubled up on rooms, there were no spa treatments, we rented a van rather than everyone taking cabs, etc.

Now give us our money back!

Douche Bags Of The Week: Greedy Chinese Milkmen

The official count is up to around 13,000 babies sickened by the melamine that some Chinese dairy producers added to watered down milk products in order to increase the perceived protein levels in testing.

[Sarcasm ahead.]

Less actual milk at the same price means more profit. Who cares if you have to poison the food supply to make some money? Now that the Chinese have been welcomed into the wonderful world of capitalism and greed, they need to learn a new phrase, "Let the buyer beware." I mean, these babies should have known better than to drink contaminated milk. They deserve to be sick with their reckless drinking and lack of informed research!

Sourced from an article in The New York Times:

China’s milk scandal worsened again as the government announced that the number of infants sickened by contaminated baby formula had risen to nearly 13,000, most 2 years old or younger, more than double the previous tally in the nationwide food safety crisis. At least three infants have died from kidney problems linked to the industrial additive melamine.

The Ministry of Health traced most cases to tainted formula produced by the Sanlu Group, the giant dairy producer whose formula has been recalled because of contamination.

Then officials announced that traces of melamine had also been discovered in some samples of liquid milk, including some produced by the country’s leading dairy producers. All tainted dairy products were then ordered off store shelves, and officials have announced many arrests.

Last year, thousands of pets in the U.S. were sickened from food made with Chinese feed laced with melamine. At the time, officials issued regulations banning the use of melamine in food products. Melamine, high in nitrogen, is used to make plastics and fertilizers, but it can be used illegally to artificially inflate protein levels in milk or other foods.

As I have discussed here on this blog, I've had some serious battles with kidney stones. I can say I've won them all, but when you are going through that level of pain, sometimes the outcome isn't so clear. I feel so sorry for these babies.

People who profit at the expense of others, particularly the health of babies, are this week's Douche Bags of the Week. [And who said government regulation is bad?]

My Identity Has Been Trashed

Remember a while back, in a post titled "I Blog, Therefore I Am?", I spoke of being cautious of revealing too much on the blog to thwart potential identity theft? How, years ago, I had my identity stolen and the character ran around "renting" cars as me but never returned them?

Well I've got one for ya. After I returned from my trip to Utah, things were going smoothly. I don't get out of the house much except for the mandatory trips to the local grocery and sometimes a trip to Wal*Mart, Lowe's, and/or Home Depot to get some plants to pass my time piddling around in the yard.

I don't have a wallet, per se, but a credit card holder where I keep credit cards, driver license, health insurance card, triple A card, etc. Just the basics. I was carrying even less after I had accidentally left my wallet at the grocery back in the springtime. I went through and took out everything I didn't use consistently. That meant getting down to two general purpose credit cards, no frequent flyer miles cards, etc. I still do all my banking (by mail) in California so I took out my ATM cards.

Now, you'd think I'd be more careful after that. I was lucky that it had been returned to the grocery courtesy desk. I figure I left it at the checkout since I always charge my groceries — double United frequent flyer miles! During the summer, I wear work-out type shorts that have no pockets and I stick the credit card holder under the elastic waistband and just leave my t-shirt untucked so it's covered up.

During the week I was back from Utah, I did a grocery and Wal*Mart run. I didn't notice the credit card holder was missing for about another week. I turned the house upside down and thought I'd check in with both places to see if I had inadvertently left it there.

The kind folks at Wal*Mart had, indeed, found the wallet. Hooray! Um, not so fast, trigger. See, it had been a week, and since I hadn't returned to claim it, they threw it in the trash. How fucked up is that? It's not like I didn't have my brand new NYS driver license in there. Or that I live about 2 minutes away from the store. Or that I live in a small town where, if you don't know everyone, you know someone who knows that person. My "life" was so important that they fucking threw it away.

Advice
• Only carry what you need. I was glad that I'd weeded things out a couple of months before.
• Keep a spreadsheet with a list of your credit cards, the account numbers, and customer service phone numbers. It made things so much easier when I had to call and cancel everything.
• Did you know you can request a duplicate driver license in NYS over the Internet? I paid $15, rather than going down to the hell that is DMV and paying for a new one.
• Don't write your PIN number on ATM or credit cards. If you can't remember it, it's too complicated, so change it to something you can remember.

The whole experience left me a bit empty. First that everything that was me essentially fits into a little wallet. Second, that my life is so worthless, that some douche bag at the local Wal*Mart could callously pitched it in the garbage.

Douche Bag Of The Week: Mary Matalin

Jerome Corsi's anti-Obama book, The Obama Nation: Leftist Politics and the Cult of Personality, is published by Threshold Editions, a division of Simon & Schuster that is run by Mary Matalin, the former aide to Vice President Dick Cheney.

From an article by AP writer Nedra Pickler:

Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama hit back with a 40-page rebuttal to the best-selling book "The Obama Nation," arguing the author is a fringe bigot peddling rehashed lies.

Jerome Corsi's anti-Obama book, The Obama Nation: Leftist Politics and the Cult of Personality, claims the Illinois senator is a dangerous, radical candidate for president. The book is a compilation of all the innuendo and false rumors against Obama — that he was raised a Muslim, attended a radical, black church and secretly has a "black rage" hidden beneath the surface.

In fact, Obama is a Christian who attended Trinity United Church of Christ in Chicago.

The Obama campaign picked apart the book's claims in a rebuttal titled "Unfit For Publication," to be posted on the Obama campaign's rumor-fighting Web site, Fight The Smears. The title is a play on the book Corsi co-authored against 2004 Democratic presidential nominee John Kerry's military service called Unfit For Command.

"Jerome Corsi is a discredited liar who is peddling another piece of garbage to continue the Bush-Cheney politics he helped perpetuate four years ago," said Obama spokesman Tommy Vietor. "His is just one of what will likely be many more lie-filled books rushed to print this election cycle, which are cobbled together from debunked Internet sources to make money and advance a partisan agenda. We will respond to these smears forcefully with all means at our disposal."

Corsi's book is off to a swift start and is No. 1 on The New York Times' hardcover nonfiction best-seller list, even though Obama's campaign would argue the book should be listed as fiction.

Obama's campaign says the book is full of factual inaccuracies that include the wrong date for the Obamas' marriage. Corsi also writes that Obama left much of his family background out of his autobiographies — his father's polygamy and alcoholism, his sister's birth in Indonesia and that his then-fiance Michelle accompanied him on a visit to Kenya — but the campaign points out page numbers from Dreams From My Father where Obama discussed all those things.

In The Obama Nation — the title is a twist on the word abomination — Corsi catalogs various allegations that have haunted Obama on right-wing blogs and anonymous e-mails.

Corsi also dwells on Obama's mother marrying Obama's African father and later marrying someone from Indonesia — whom Corsi describes as "a second man of color to be her mate." The Obama campaign says the description is one of many examples of Corsi's "offensive language" in the book.

He claims Obama received extensive Islamic religious education as a boy in Indonesia, education that was only offered to the truly faithful. Actually, Obama is a Christian and as a boy he attended both Catholic school and Indonesian public schools where some basic study of the Koran was offered.

He accuses Obama of wanting to weaken the military even though Obama's campaign calls for adding 65,000 soldiers and 27,000 Marines.

Corsi writes for World Net Daily, a conservative Web site whose lead headline Thursday was "Astonishing photo claims: Dead Bigfoot stored on ice."

Corsi readily acknowledges the political goal of his book. He considers Obama a "radical leftist" who should not be elected president. Corsi said he has no plans to work against Obama with groups comparable to 2004's Swift Boat Veterans for Truth but said he would be willing to consider it.

This scumbag is bad, but Mary Matalin who published it should know better. She's a skank that clearly puts partisanship above the truth. That, my friends, is un-American. She's this week's Douche Bag of the Week.

Douche Bags Of The Week: Crappy Parents

Some people shouldn't be parents:

Israeli airport police say a couple going on a European vacation remembered to bring their duty-free shopping and their 18 suitcases, but forgot their 3-year-old daughter at the airport.

The couple and their five children were late for a flight to Paris and made a mad dash to the gate. In the confusion, their daughter got lost. A policeman found her wandering around the terminal, crying for her mother. The parents didn't notice the child was missing until they were told, in the air, that she had been found.

The child, accompanied by an airline staffer, took the next flight to Paris where she was safely reunited with her parents.

But they remembered their shopping bags! Parents who don't know how to parent are this week's Douche Bags of the Week!

Douche Bags Of The Week: United Airlines Pilots

Is this why the ORD to ALB leg of my trip to Utah was canceled at the last minute, causing me a 5 hour delay? Or why an entire plane full of people was kept waiting for the flight from ORD to SLC because the crew was late?

United Airlines asked a federal judge to stop four pilots and their union from abusing sick time and refusing to fly extra hours, saying illegal job actions have caused hundreds of cancellations.

The injunction request accuses the Air Line Pilots Association of encouraging a sick-out, which is not allowed under the Railway Labor Act, the labor law governing airlines. It also said pilots were refusing to pick up extra flying.

United said the first officers on its 737s and A320s called in sick the most and that it canceled 329 flights between 7/19 and 7/27, costing it about $8M in lost revenue and $3.9M in operating profit.

United pilots have been pressing to reopen their contract, which is not scheduled to be negotiable until the end of next year. Pilots took pay cuts when United reorganized under bankruptcy protection and have been hoping to win back some of what they lost.

Like other airlines, United is shrinking its fleet, and it has said it will furlough 950 pilots.

This comes on the heels of a United pilot being harassed by union members before boarding a flight. The altercation was so nasty that the pilot was too upset to fly and the flight was canceled. Great public relations, you assholes. If I were union member, I'd be irate that these jokers give all unions a bad name.

Your company is losing money hand over fist in an industry that is losing billions of dollars a quarter. And you people want to open up negotiations early to get more money? Are you fucking stupid? I'm not sure I want to fly on a plane with a cockpit full of dumbasses.

• You people wonder why no one cares if the airlines go under?

• You people wonder why unions are hated?

• You people wonder why customers have no brand loyalty?

• You people wonder why we don't care anymore if you lose your jobs?

• You people ever watch the news?

• You people learn any lessons from what happened to Detroit?

• You people wonder why this country of entitlement is circling the drain?

It's because assholes like you don't give a shit about your customers, that's why. You should be kissing the customers' asses.

Union management said United's lawsuit: "...this is not a constructive approach to labor relations." [Emphasis mine.] Labor relations? What about customer relations?

I don't give a rat's ass that I'm a United Mileage Plus member since 1984. I just booked my October trip on Delta despite having United as a price-comparable option.

Fuck me? No, fuck YOU!

The more of you that get fired, the better. Maybe when you're working the night shift at McDonald's you'll have a different attitude. Probably not, though, you're the type of people who blame everyone but yourselves.

Open Letter To The Masshole*

To the Masshole who sped up in the lane on my right, after I put on my directional, in order to prevent me from getting out of the way of the impatient gas hog in the Chevy Suburban riding my ass: Fuck off. All things considered, the folks around these parts are pretty polite. When in Troy, do as the Trojans do — and leave your ill-mannered behavior at the Massachusetts border, thank you very much. And you were in such a hurry, Mr. Douchey McMasshole, you probably didn't even notice that I passed you about one mile up the road.

* Term (Massachusetts + asshole) courtesy of Bostonian Mike.

Open Letter To The Peaceniks

To the minivan full of Canadians that had to inch up at a stop light and block the side road so I couldn't get out on the street: Fuck off. I don't care if you have a big purple peace sign sticker on the back of your family douche-mobile. It's people like you that makes me others want to drop a bomb on your head.

Douche Bags Of The Week: iPhone Nuts

Don't get me wrong. I'm all about Apple. I'm writing this post on an iBook and have a 24" iMac. But these douchebags who are paying over $1K for an iPhone? Seriously, talk about having issues. They have more money than brains.

In the Soviet days, Russians asked their American friends to bring blue jeans, rock records and other Western goods into the country. Today Russians can buy almost anything they want here — but they are still begging for one item: Apple Inc.'s slick iPhone.

The new iPhone went on sale in 21 countries July 11 and will soon be released in 70 nations. Officially, Russia and China are still on hold — neither last year's original iPhone nor the updated model have been launched in those countries because Apple is still negotiating with mobile service providers. And yet analysts estimate that only the U.S. has more iPhone users than Russia and China.

In both countries, the device enjoys super-exclusive status, thanks to a thriving market for "unlocked" iPhones adapted for local use. Even Russian President Dmitry Medvedev has been seen using one. [My notation: Great, even the Russian President is a pirate. Arrrrrrr, matey, lets blatantly steal from the stupid Americans!]

Moscow and Beijing have become an iPhone trader's paradise. Russian Web sites were offering the new 3G iPhone for about $1,200, six times the $199 base price in the U.S. Even Apple's first-edition 8-gigabyte iPhone was going for almost as much at Moscow's Gorbushka electronics market this week, though Moscow iPhone owners said a skilled bargain hunter could find one for about $775.

I'm in the market for a new cellphone, and it'll probably be the new iPhone, but you won't find me waiting in line, paying over the MSRP, or any of that shit. It's a phone, people!
*