Open Letter To The Masshole*

To the Masshole who sped up in the lane on my right, after I put on my directional, in order to prevent me from getting out of the way of the impatient gas hog in the Chevy Suburban riding my ass: Fuck off. All things considered, the folks around these parts are pretty polite. When in Troy, do as the Trojans do — and leave your ill-mannered behavior at the Massachusetts border, thank you very much. And you were in such a hurry, Mr. Douchey McMasshole, you probably didn't even notice that I passed you about one mile up the road.

* Term (Massachusetts + asshole) courtesy of Bostonian Mike.

Open Letter To Government Healthcare Regulators

Dear Government Drone,

It was about two months ago that I had to make a trip to the emergency room for pain caused by the passing of a kidney stone.

Given the state of health insurance in this country, I held out as long as I could, but eventually succumbed to the pain and went to the local hospital's ER. Health insurance is the new car insurance, where people don't actually file a claim because they are afraid of rate increases. Only this is our bodies we're talking about, not our cars.

I've passed a ton (literally, I swear) of kidney stones. Not that my insurance company would know. But I know, so all I needed was some serious pain meds. The hydrocodone I stockpiled from the last go around wasn't even taking the edge off.

Instead, I was treated to all kinds of x-rays. There was the standard KUB (Kidney Ureter Bladder) and then an ultra-sound. They took my blood and put me on a D5W IV drip. In the end, the stone was "hiding" and didn't show up on either x-ray, so I was sent home with meds when the pain subsided. I could have accomplished as much if they had just written me a prescription when I asked and gone home and drank a gallon of water. In all fairness, I'm sure the folks in the ER were performing a healthy dose of CYA since they live in fear of malpractice suits. Thanks, lawyers!

But this strays from the actual intent of this letter. That being the prices charged by medical facilities and professionals.

All the final bills are in:

Hospital ER
Quoted Price: $1,999
Insurance Adjustment: $1,709.19
Actual Out of Pocket: $289.81

Attending Doctor
Quoted Price: $590
Insurance Adjustment: $385.96
Actual Out of Pocket: $204.04

KUB and Ultrasound
Quoted Price: $81
Insurance Adjustment: None
Actual Out of Pocket: $81

Radiology Department
Quoted Price: $21
Insurance Adjustment: $13.61
Actual Out of Pocket: $7.39

Cumulative Quoted Price: $2,691
Cumulative Adjustment: $2,189.76
Cumulative Out of Pocket: $582.24

So, if I was uninsured, my cost would be $2,691. That fact that I have an insurance policy means I paid $582.24. Mind you, the insurance company never paid a dime because this is below the deductible on my policy, which is essentially a bare bones catastrophic policy so I can afford the monthly premium. And a kidney stone, in their eyes at least, was not a catastrophe.

But had I not carried an insurance policy, I would be in debt for years. Just with a kidney stone — thank goodness it wasn't cancer!

There should be ONE price for services!

The cost of the 3 hours in the ER is either worth $1,999 or $289.81. This is a regressive tax and burden on the working poor that can least afford it — those that make too much to be on government assistance and make too little to afford health coverage.

I'm not supportive of price controls but the competition of the free market isn't working.

The ones who can least afford medical services are the ones who have to pay the most. It makes no sense.

Thank you for your prompt attention to this matter.

Sincerely,

Y|O|Y
*

Open Letter To The Auto Industry

Dear Auto Industry Executive,

Over the past two weeks, I have single-handedly solved the customer service issues at the U.S. Postal Service and retail banks.

It would behoove you, therefore, to take my suggestions for the auto industry seriously:

Suggestion #1: The Diesel Hybrid. We know that diesel engines get a higher miles per gallon (MPG) than a similarly sized gas engine. Now that diesel fuel has been reformulated with less sulfur, it is also more environmentally friendly.

Now, the new Acura TSX is essentially the equivalent of the European Honda Accord — slightly smaller than the U.S. version. The Euro Accord comes equipped with a diesel engine that provides 52.3 City and 62.8 Highway MPG!

First of all, why isn't that engine offered here in the U.S.?

Second, why isn't this engine mated to a hybrid? The fuel economy increase between a non-hybrid and hybrid Civic is 25%. Apply that to the Euro Accord figures, and you'd have a diesel hybrid car producing 78 MPG. That's with available technology. American manufacturers should take note!

Suggestion #2: Expanded Cylinder Deactivation. There are cars on the market with eight cylinder engines that use an on-board computer to automatically ratchet down to six or four cylinders depending on the driving requirements.

So why stop at eight cylinder engines? Why not put this existing technology on four cylinder engines so they run on two cylinders while at a stop light or in stop-and-go freeway traffic? Think of the fuel savings without incurring the cost of adding a hybrid electric engine?

Not enough power, you say? Install A/C units powered by the battery rather than off of the engine. You already have them installed in hybrid cars so there would be minimal development costs.

Suggestion #3: Solar Roof Panels. Imagine this...every hybrid comes with a sun roof that is also a solar panel! This will be especially effective in next-generation plug-in hybrids that can charge all day and extend the driving range. This will also keep these new hybrids off the electrical grid and save customers the time, money, and hassle of plugging in every night.

Suggestion #4: Under-Inflated Tire Alert. One of the first things the experts tell us to do to increase our car's MPG is to properly inflate the tires. But could this be any more of a hassle? You can design tires that run flat, but you can't come up with something that indicates when they need air? I know there are tire pressure gauges but those are inconvenient. People should be able to walk around the car, look at the tire inflation nozzle, see an indicator (red?) if the tire needs air, and go to a filling station with an air hose if they are low. As the pressure increases when filling, the indicator turns green when it's properly inflated. No muss, no fuss.

Suggestion #5: Driver Side Fuel Cap. How difficult can this be? I swear, every car I own has the fuel filler on the driver's side and every car I rent has it on the passenger's side. All cars should have it on the driver's side since that is easier at the pump.

Please, don't complain that you can't meet the new 35 MPG CAFE standards in a couple of years. You could do it now if you planned correctly. We are fast approaching a time of thin-film solar panels on garage roofs that collect the power by day and re-charge the car by night. So lets get a move on!

Thank you for your prompt attention to this matter.

Sincerely yours,

Y|O|Y
*

Open Letter To The Retail Banking Industry

Dear (Insert CEO Name Here) Of (Insert Retail Bank Here),

After single-handedly solving all of the problems at the post office last week, I decided that my keen insight and wisdom could be of use to you and your operations.

Therefore, I'm turning my attention to the experiences we all have at the local branches of our banks. While some are specifically concerned with bad behavior at drive-thru windows (Doralong), I am going to focus on the ATM which in today's times can also be what one encounters at the drive thru (my apologies to Rich):

Suggestion #1: The Express ATM For Dumbasses. I am so sick and tired of getting behind someone at an ATM who is trying to balance world currency markets. They've got $50 in the bank (I checked the receipt they tossed on the ground), but they're doing so many transactions you'd think they were sitting on a million. A message would appear on the screen, "Listen, Rumpelstiltskin, there's no magic to create more money. You're broke. Take your card and go home."

At the Express ATM For Dumbasses, the customer steps up, inserts card, keys in PIN, hits "Withdraw $100," "Withdraw $250," or "Withdraw $500", then takes their money and receipt. Those are the only three options. If they don't have $100 in their account, they shouldn't have an ATM card.

If the customer needs more money, or to do something special, they must see a teller inside and get out of the way. If it's too late and the bank is closed, too damn bad, they should have thought about that at lunch time.

Suggestion #2: The ATM Purse Lounge. If the customer is the type to drag a pocketbook around with them, there could be a wall with a shelf on the back side so they can step away from the machine to stash their bills. That way they can rummage through their unorganized filthy purse on their own time. Really, no one is going to steal their measly $100 (that is really like $20 w/ inflation). This area could also double as a baby changing station.

Suggestion #3: The IQ Appropriate ATM Card. Issue ATM cards based on an IQ test. The dumber they are, the fewer options the ATM machine will let them select based on the card type. The ATM could have keypads where only the available transaction options light up. Of course, dumbasses will probably keep hitting options that aren't available to them, which would hold up the line and defeat the purpose of this suggestion. I propose that a message appear on the screen informing them, "You're a dumbass. Select a highlighted key, come inside to a teller, or go away. You're bugging the shit out of the people standing in line behind you." Then the machine confiscates the IQ Appropriate ATM Card that must be re-issued at a lower IQ level.

These are serious ways to improve customer service. If you are concerned about offending customers, remember that these suggestions really only apply to dumbasses who are probably broke anyway. The cost of carrying their account exceeds the value of their business. Who needs 'em?

Thank you for your prompt attention to this matter.

Sincerely yours,

Y|O|Y
*

Open Letter To The U.S. Postal Service

Dear Postmaster General,

I've had the opportunity to observe the front-end operations implemented at many of your post offices on several occasions over the past week. I was waiting in lines, inching my way forward to renew my passport and send a couple of Certified Letters with Return Receipt.

It's interesting what one notices while standing in line for 15 minutes with nothing else to do but figure ways to make the line move faster. After all, that, at its root, is what drives American ingenuity.

There are a few suggestions I'd like to make that would improve the efficiency of the customer and work flow therein:

Suggestion #1: The Just Ask A Quick Question Window. Regardless of what post office I've been in, regardless of how long the customer line is, regardless of whether you have a formal "take a number" process, and regardless of how many windows are open, customers always barge up to the nearest window to "just ask a quick question." A quick question window would be a positive step towards serving the ignoramuses who think their time is more valuable than the rest of the customers patiently waiting in line.

Suggestion #2: The I'm A Complete Dumbass Window. Did IQ's suddenly dropped while I was away? People are stupid. Every trip to the post office makes one lament about the billions of tax dollars we spend on educating the masses. Perhaps we should offer high school classes on how to send a letter because people who enter post offices seem even dumber than your average Joe. (Yours truly excluded, of course.) Dumbasses should have their own window so they don't waste the time of those that have more than two brain cells to rub together.

Suggestion #3: The I Have Special Needs Window. Doesn't anyone just mail letters anymore? If you're going to tie up a window for half an hour tracking a package that didn't arrive in Egypt a week after you sent it parcel post, you need a special window. All people with special needs should be forced to wait in the special needs line so they suffer the same incompetencies that they inflict on others.

Postmaster, I respect that you may be struggling with a tight budget. The above suggestions should actually improve overall efficiency, but if you find they don't, you could always combine the "I'm A Complete Dumbass" window with the "I Have Special Needs" window since I'm sure that 50% of your customers qualify for both.

Thank you for your prompt attention to this matter.

Sincerely yours,

Y|O|Y

P.S. Feel free to share these suggestions with the airline industry for their ticket counters and Departments of Motor Vehicles.
*