Open Letter To The Retail Banking Industry

Dear (Insert CEO Name Here) Of (Insert Retail Bank Here),

After single-handedly solving all of the problems at the post office last week, I decided that my keen insight and wisdom could be of use to you and your operations.

Therefore, I'm turning my attention to the experiences we all have at the local branches of our banks. While some are specifically concerned with bad behavior at drive-thru windows (Doralong), I am going to focus on the ATM which in today's times can also be what one encounters at the drive thru (my apologies to Rich):

Suggestion #1: The Express ATM For Dumbasses. I am so sick and tired of getting behind someone at an ATM who is trying to balance world currency markets. They've got $50 in the bank (I checked the receipt they tossed on the ground), but they're doing so many transactions you'd think they were sitting on a million. A message would appear on the screen, "Listen, Rumpelstiltskin, there's no magic to create more money. You're broke. Take your card and go home."

At the Express ATM For Dumbasses, the customer steps up, inserts card, keys in PIN, hits "Withdraw $100," "Withdraw $250," or "Withdraw $500", then takes their money and receipt. Those are the only three options. If they don't have $100 in their account, they shouldn't have an ATM card.

If the customer needs more money, or to do something special, they must see a teller inside and get out of the way. If it's too late and the bank is closed, too damn bad, they should have thought about that at lunch time.

Suggestion #2: The ATM Purse Lounge. If the customer is the type to drag a pocketbook around with them, there could be a wall with a shelf on the back side so they can step away from the machine to stash their bills. That way they can rummage through their unorganized filthy purse on their own time. Really, no one is going to steal their measly $100 (that is really like $20 w/ inflation). This area could also double as a baby changing station.

Suggestion #3: The IQ Appropriate ATM Card. Issue ATM cards based on an IQ test. The dumber they are, the fewer options the ATM machine will let them select based on the card type. The ATM could have keypads where only the available transaction options light up. Of course, dumbasses will probably keep hitting options that aren't available to them, which would hold up the line and defeat the purpose of this suggestion. I propose that a message appear on the screen informing them, "You're a dumbass. Select a highlighted key, come inside to a teller, or go away. You're bugging the shit out of the people standing in line behind you." Then the machine confiscates the IQ Appropriate ATM Card that must be re-issued at a lower IQ level.

These are serious ways to improve customer service. If you are concerned about offending customers, remember that these suggestions really only apply to dumbasses who are probably broke anyway. The cost of carrying their account exceeds the value of their business. Who needs 'em?

Thank you for your prompt attention to this matter.

Sincerely yours,

Y|O|Y
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